Archive for Loss
Loving yourself Happy
Posted by: | CommentsI’ve heard it said that life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.
How true. James, my late husband, left 92 single spaced pages of ideas and thoughts for his books and poetry. He never lived to see retirement nor get them published. A school friend signed as a professional football player at 17, and never made it to training camp. His motorcycle slid into a car and he spent the rest of his life as a quadriplegic. Instead of football, he became an engineer, and even drove his own van, operated by the touch of his finger on the controls! It’s up to us to create happiness from the opportunities we’ve been given. Rest assured, in the thick of things, it is hard to see beyond the current upset into the potential for growth and happiness. Life isn’t for the fainthearted.
James suffered with life long chronic pain. When he got past the idea of, “Why me?” he accepted life as it was and lived a full, productive and happy life – even though he left an unfulfilled dream of being an author. He spent weekends at his writing craft. James was a writer and he wrote. That was his process and the end result didn’t matter.
My grad school chum and I used to dance together. He would use his fingers on the joystick of his electric wheelchair to make it move, and I’d dance around him. He told me shortly before he passed away that he had the most amazing life. He confided that his condition was a great gift – a living experience of being loved ‘from the inside out.’ – and he knew himself as a Beloved Child of God. He lived a happy life.
It’s not what happens to us that determines our happiness and joy.
Happiness is a moment by moment process, not a one time event.
It is up to us to choose happiness.
I like knowing what’s ahead. I also like to control outcomes! Health challenges, the uncertainty of change, financial, physical, emotional, mental or spiritual pain are signals that something’s afoot. I can attempt to control the outcome of everything and plan my life, but life really plans me. When I decide to consciously choose positive thoughts, I get to emerge victorious! Some days I play the romantic, the martial artist, entrepreneur or author. Other days the victim, victorious, wise one or fool. They are all facets of my personality. Life is my playground, and I can change thoughts as I please. When I change those thoughts to ones of loving, compassion, acceptance and gentleness, life gets happy indeed. It’s so much more fun to be happy!
Life is an adventure. Letting go and trusting that all is well, regardless of how it looks on the outside, sometimes comes down to breathing in and out. They say in 12-step programs that the first step is to say, “God (Higher Power) I can’t, you can, please help.” That’s great advice for all of us when the going gets tough.
Here’s your challenge for the week: Drop the story of why your life is or isn’t what you want and love yourself happy. If not how, when?
This Holiday: The Other Side of Celebration & Relationship
Posted by: | CommentsIt’s the holiday season, and for millions, it is both a joyous celebration and a reminder of things lost: financial security, loved ones, jobs, homes, hopes, dreams and innocence. This season, like no other in recent history, grips the hearts of many with a sorrow carried on the winds of change.
There is another way though…to follow a road less traveled this Season, This road will get you to the other side of loss. I know because I am no stranger to that road. For good or bad, I have traveled it many times. What lies at the destination is nothing less than a new landscape and a new beginning. It is inevitable that spring follows winter. That is a cause for celebration.
What does this have to do with relationship? Everything! It requires that you truthfully relate to your own self: your hurts, angers, resentments, longings and loss. It requires that you acknowledge what you are experiencing to yourself and others. Not easy, given that we are taught to suck it up, move on, take tranquilizers, and swallow both our emotions and the well meaning platitudes that “He or she is in a better place,” or “You’ll find a better job,” and other comments that say more about the other person’s fear than your loss. That’s human nature.
The price of loving is loss. Sometimes we give our all to a cause, a person, a job or our calling. Sometimes there are no happy endings, except as we rewrite them. Grief and loss are by-products of life. They are not to be feared, but merely faced as they arise.
Ironically, when we hone the skill of self-reflection, observation and intuition, we learn to by-pass those roads that lead directly to grief. Sometimes, unnecessary grief arises simply because we have not listened to our inner council. We compound that by putting our grief in the closet and pretending it doesn’t exist. Even that can be cause for celebration when we learn the pitfalls of ignoring our own heart and wisdom.
I offer these observations to you, knowing there is cause for celebration in the midst of uncertainty and loss. Perhaps the gift you give this season is that of allowing you to experience whatever is present as it appears. Let your thoughts, feelings and emotions be cause for celebration. They are the signposts on the road less traveled. To celebrate means “to make known or famous.” Celebrate your life and the adventure of relationship. Breathe, stop and honor your life and your loss as you prepare the soil for something new. That is the miracle of relation and celebration.
You are the gift. Choose to take the road less traveled, and leave loss by the wayside. Develop a great relationship witn yourself regardless of the season and you will soon be ready to love again, begin again and risk again. Walk your road one step at a time and a new season of celebration will arrive.
